I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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