your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
