I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
