if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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