Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
