That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
