and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
