dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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