I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
