dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
