So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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