So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
