I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
