After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
