sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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