Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
