??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
