I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
