I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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