Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
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What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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