Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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