He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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