i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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