just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
