I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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