3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
