i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
