I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
