there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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