This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
