I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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