I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
