My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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