I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
