onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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