just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
