The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
