I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
