Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she looked like the before picture.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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