Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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