Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
