My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
