i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
