He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
