Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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