so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i believe in u and ur pee
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