positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
should my penis look like a turkey
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
