I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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