I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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