wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
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Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
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Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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