Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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