I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
