I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
