We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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