matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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