I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
