I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
