Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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