in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Send help, water and tortillas.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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