Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
