I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just high enough for therapy.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
