We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
