she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
