Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
