I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
